Just Guyton

Growing up, we were constantly being told what life would look like someday.

According to cartoons, movies, and pretty much every adult who talked about the year 2000 like it was some distant civilization, eventually we were all going to be living like The Jetsons.

Flying cars. Robots cleaning our houses. Machines doing practically everything for us.

Well, someday showed up, and I have questions.

First of all, where the hell is Rosie?

Because I still have to figure out what we’re having for dinner every single day, and frankly, George Jetson owes me an explanation.

My dad, on the other hand, tried to warn me about one thing that actually did show up: technology.

My father has always had his theories about where the world is headed. Some people would probably call him a conspiracy theorist, although I’ve met people who make my father look like an amateur.

But one thing I remember very clearly is him telling me that I needed to learn technology because technology was the future.

I had absolutely no interest in it.

None.

But Dad said I needed to learn it, so I did.

One of my first steps in that direction happened in seventh grade, when I took Mr. Stevenson’s Business Occupations class.

At the time, I remember thinking, What is this really going to teach me besides how to type?

Well, it taught me how to type.

And I got pretty darn fast at it, too.

I’d probably still be flying across a keyboard if I hadn’t broken my hand twice and then made the brilliant adult decision to refuse physical therapy. Now my predominant hand occasionally locks up and reminds me that perhaps medical professionals have reasons for suggesting these things.

But that’s another story.

The funny part is that seventh-grade me thought I was simply learning how to type.

I had no idea how much typing I would eventually do.

I certainly didn’t know that one day I would publish a book, own my own website, write a blog, and send my words out onto this strange thing called the Internet for people all over the world to read.

Dad knew technology was coming.

I’m not sure either of us knew exactly what I would eventually do with it.

And honestly, there are parts of our high-tech world that I absolutely love.

I can FaceTime my grandkids.

Do you realize how cool that is?

When I was a kid, a video call was something you saw in a cartoon. Now I can pick up a little computer that fits in my hand and see my grandbabies while I’m talking to them.

That part can stay.

I can also order something online and have it show up at my front door without ever leaving my house.

Fantastic.

I can grocery shop from home, which isn’t just convenient for me. Grocery stores can be loud, busy, and overstimulating, and sometimes I simply do not want to be in one. Now I can fill a cart from my couch and somebody brings the groceries to me.

Definitely keeping that one, too.

We’ve even got people walking around with tiny little earbuds in their ears, having entire conversations.

Although I’m going to need everyone to remember that some of us can’t always see that microscopic thing in your ear.

There have definitely been moments when I’ve looked at somebody and thought, Well, they’re having quite the conversation with themselves.

Then I realize they’re on the phone.

Meanwhile, I’m over here wearing headphones large enough to announce to the general public that I am currently unavailable for comment.

Technology comes in different sizes.

But there are a few pieces of the promised future I’m perfectly happy we didn’t get.

Flying cars?

Absolutely not.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you already know I have enough anxiety surrounding the cars that remain firmly attached to the ground.

I do not need somebody missing an exit 3,000 feet above me.

Keep the cars down here.

And remember those hoverboards we were promised?

We eventually got something people decided to call a hoverboard.

It has wheels.

It does not hover.

I feel like words should still mean things.

They also told us robots would eventually clean our houses.

Technically, we have robot vacuum cleaners now.

I have three dogs.

That little robot wouldn’t survive a full shift in my house.

I’m picturing it confidently leaving its charging station on its first day of employment while three dogs stare at it like an unidentified creature has breached the perimeter.

Twenty minutes later, we’re holding a memorial service for the Roomba.

Honestly, even if an actual housekeeping robot showed up at my front door, there’s no guarantee the dogs would let it in.

Maybe technology isn’t the problem.

Maybe security is just a little too good around here.

And while we’re discussing futuristic food, let me put this on the record:

I like my meat grown on a farm, not in a lab.

Some visions of tomorrow had us eating mysterious little cubes and pills while machines handled dinner.

No, thank you.

I want actual food.

And what happened to Inspector Gadget?

We actually came surprisingly close to that one. Our watches can make phone calls, send messages, track our steps, give us directions, and tell us when we’ve been sitting too long.

But I can yell “Go-Go-Gadget arms!” until I’m blue in the face and the laundry still isn’t going to fold itself.

Clearly, we’ve still got some work to do.

The strangest part is that somewhere along the way, all this technology stopped feeling futuristic.

It just became life.

And recently, technology gave me one of those moments when I actually stopped and thought about how incredible all of this is.

Now that Just Guyton has its own home on the Internet, I can see where people are reading from.

So far, this little blog has been read in the United States, Poland, France, the Netherlands, the United Kingdom, Germany, Nigeria, South Korea, India, Canada, and Thailand.

Eleven countries.

I sit at home with my coffee, type some thoughts into a computer, press Publish, and those words can travel farther than I do.

Somewhere along the way, the girl sitting in Mr. Stevenson’s seventh-grade classroom learning to type became a woman using those same basic skills to make herself heard around the world.

I couldn’t have understood that then.

But I understand it now.

My dad told me technology was the future.

As usual, Dad had a point.

And I have to admit, some parts of what he saw coming are pretty amazing.

But George?

If the Internet happens to carry this blog all the way to Orbit City, we still need to talk.

Where the hell is Rosie?

I’ve got dinner to figure out.

Again.

— GUYTON